camarogrl86's Diaryland Diary

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I Hope You Found What You Were Looking For ...

I let myself love someone else. And he demolished me. He broke down my walls, he invaded my heart, he treated me like a queen ... like I was the most precious thing in his life. And then he just dropped me to the ground and let me shatter into a million tiny shards. Showed me the best weekend of my life, told me he wasn't going to leave me, and less than 24 hours later did the exact opposite of his reassuring words and affectionate actions ... for reasons that he couldn't even explain to me.

But that blonde bitch that never left his life was such an obvious reason. She tried too hard to be my "friend," while trying to flaunt her control over his life and emotions right in front of me. He could deny she was involved in his sudden departure all he wanted, but the instantaneous switch back to a life without me, with tagging her, loving every comment or post, the fire emojis on every picture of her ... you know what? These lyrics speak to my battered heart:

Who knew this heart could break this hard
Or a love like ours could fall apart
Without so much as a warning
I thought that I was what you wanted
Well I guess you found what you were looking for
I guess my heart ain't worth it anymore
I'm a wreck, I'm a mess
And I ain't got nothing left
And so I hope you're happy now

I hope you found whatever it was you were looking for. I hope it was worth destroying me down to my soul. I didn't think you had it in you, but I was wrong. You weren't the person I thought you were. And you deserve that bitch who shattered YOU two years ago ... because it wasn't fair to make me fall in love with you, to put up such a charade for me, and then walk away while telling me you love me for the first time. I believed the tears in your eyes, you deserve a fucking Emmy for the performance.

I wish I could believe that person for me is out there somewhere, but I'm losing hope quickly. I'm never going to find that person. But what scares me is that it's still J. After all these years, it'll have been J, and I missed out and the rest of my life will just be one disappointment after the other.

12:36 p.m. - 2020-03-03

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