camarogrl86's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Whole New World My last entry said so much had changed. Which I never came back to explain. Since then, so much more has changed. Hell, less than two months after that, my world shattered in front of me and I'm still trying to find all of the pieces. I fell in love with one of our owner operators. It wasn't supposed to happen, for either of us, but the heart knows what it wants. It was a kind of love I'd never felt. A kind of love that was hard, yet easy at the same time. We had our issues, the situation itself wasn't ideal at the time - but we knew we couldn't bear to throw in the towel on something so beautiful. Every time we tried, the universe threw us back into each other even harder than before. I love that man with every piece of my broken soul. June 11, 2016, the universe ripped him away from me while I held his hand. I heard his heart stop beating, and watched his chest stop rising, while I pleaded with emergency dispatchers to please hurry. 12 hours earlier, we spoke of our plans to finally make the move together into a rental house for a year, until we could buy a house on Edisto Island. He'd have his financial stuff in order, his tractor paid for, etc by July. We were so happy we'd figured out a plan to follow, and that we'd be living together before our 1 year "anniversary". 12 hours of blissful contentedness. Our last verbal words to each other that night were "I love you". I can sometimes still feel his arms around me as they were while I leaned against him in the front seat of his red F-250 - the truck that caused our first conversation a year earlier. When I found out he was gone, and was allowed to say my goodbyes, I was numb. Some days, I still am. For weeks, I begged to be taken while I slept - when I could sleep. I would eye curves in the road and wonder how fast I'd need to go straight off one into the trees to ensure it was quick and I didn't end up a vegetable or para/quadriplegic instead. I picked up the .22 revolver in the closet and felt the weight of it in my hand, but knew I never could do that. Even though I knew how mad he'd be if I killed myself, I wished for death to take me too. I'd want someone to hit me head on, t-bone me, something. Something that would be seen as an accident. How was I supposed to live our future without him? I ripped the scabs off the cuts on the tops of my feet from the slag rock where he died to make sure scars remained. The week before he died, I worked in Savannah. Somehow, he managed to snag the only run that went through Savannah. We got to spend two nights together while he was on his 10 hour breaks - I am so glad we had those nights, though I never would have thought they'd be two of our last. For months I'd joke about stealing his John Deere hoodie ... he gave it to me before I went to Savannah, sprayed with his cologne, so I could have him with me that week. I would give back his hoodie just to have him back with me again. He also wrote me a note, which I'd always given him crap about because I was always leaving him little notes in his truck's door to find when he'd head off for a run. It was the 2nd one he ever left, and would also be his last. Two days before he died, he texted me a long sweet message on how much he loved me. I can't read it without dissolving into a teary-eyed mess. I start a sleeve tattoo on Friday. It will be coastal themed, to represent my love for the coast, and within it there will be a sea turtle. We always loved sending pictures of baby animals to each other. One of the last baby animals we'd sent each other, just a few hours before he was gone, was baby sea turtles wiggle-butting around under a stream of water. Within the turtle shell, I will forever hold his initials and dates on me, since I can no longer hold him physically in my arms. I also lost my grandmother, within this last hellish year, the two most important people in my world, gone. I have a tattoo design in mind for her and my grandfather, that will be done on my left rib cage area to be close to my heart. I've learned to live my life more than I ever have before. I go out and have fun. I've made new friends, and do the things that make me smile as often as I can. Some days it's hard and I still am occasionally exhausted mentally. I miss him, I miss her. DSW ~ 7.21.81 / 6.11.16 10:57 a.m. - 2017-05-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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