camarogrl86's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- May 2017 - Nov 2018 ... What the fuck, life? Current Song: "Ready for the Times to Get Better" - Cody Jinks So, yet again it’s been awhile. And yet again, so much has changed - more than i ever thought it would or could. I stayed single for almost all of 2017, dealing with Dave’s death and experiencing single life for the first time since I was 17. Later on in the year, I got reconnected with a friend I went to Missouri with to a truck show the year before, and we started to hang out again. I practically stayed at his house almost every night for a couple months … where we’d even sleep in the same bed, but nothing would ever happen… He’d flirt with me while he was on the road, but when he got back it was all talk. One night I was on my way over for our usual “90 Day Fiance” Saturday night, and he told me to give him a minute. After about an hour of waiting he said “sorry, dealing with some stuff, will explain later”. I never got an explanation, and we never hung out again. He used to call me every night for hours on end while driving, and those slowed down as well. I finally got to the point after Thanksgiving weekend that I was moving on from it. I didn’t need more pain in my life and he knew he was causing it. About a week after Thanksgiving I got a message from someone who’d tried to meet me in October, but was kicked out of the bar I went to right before I got there. They asked if I wanted to come by for a bonfire, and I agreed to go that Saturday afternoon after work. The whole time I was at work that day, I was talking myself out of it. One of my coworkers said if I didn’t go, she would, because he was cute enough. And he was. I remember being kind of disappointed when I saw he was in a relationship after our first missed connection (turned out he was in that same relationship when we were supposed to meet the first time … that should have been a sign…). Finally on my way to the bonfire, I told myself that I just had to get through the night and I’d never have to go back again. Except I really liked hanging out with him. He knew all the right things to say to hook my cold dead heart and breathe life back into it. Texting me from across the fire to tell me I looked prettier in person than I did in my pictures, making sure I wasn’t uncomfortable hanging out with his other friend there, etc. Telling me after I left that night he wanted to see me again and may have a little crush on me. I should have listened to myself when I was talking myself out of it. But no. We hung out again the next night, laying on the beach together just talking. In December. In the freaking cold until almost midnight. Joking if either of us ever got married (for me, again), pigs would fly. How his ex fucked him up, and how mine died and the next “friend-zone” messed me up even more with his games. And then we hung out again. Riding his horse together and both falling off under one of the big oak trees in his front yard, laughing our asses off in the leaves. That was the night he finally kissed me - the night before he told me he really wanted to, but wasn’t sure how I’d react. I’d told him to try it sometime and find out. It took another few days before I finally agreed to be his girlfriend - he kept asking when he could call me his girl. December 11, 2017. In January we spent 4 days straight together when it snowed 8” and South Carolina didn’t know what to do with itself. We got matching King & Queen tattoos on our wrists. In February, he moved into my house with me because Colin moved out, and I got a roommate to move in as well. Things were going really well, he got a job at a doggy daycare, living together and playing house was much better than sleeping in my truck, or the occasional head-to-foot on the couch at his house (his mom finally felt bad we were sleeping in a truck in the cold). His dad ended up back in the hospital in mid-February and was declining fast, but by some miracle, when the priest went to visit, he woke up, vitals shot back up, and he was home about a week later doing the taxes and balancing the checkbooks! We spent as much time as we could there, and he left the doggy daycare. I enjoyed listening to his dad’s stories together, and loved being at the farm with him. We got some khaki campbell ducklings and a nice sized flock of chicks, and started building up the farm again. At the end of March, his dad began to decline rapidly again, and his mom agreed I could start to stay at the house as well, and we could actually use his bedroom instead of sleeping on the couch. We came up with a plan to save for a camper to put on the property as soon as possible, and he also told me he wanted to get married. On March 28 we went to the Charleston County Courthouse and applied for our marriage license, and picked it up on Good Friday, 3/30/18. My last day with my job of 5 years was the day before, and we saw it as new beginnings all around. Having switched jobs was the only thing that hindered us from eloping that week - with all of his medications, he needed me to have health insurance, which would start up in July at the new job. We tentatively decided on July for the elopement, and have a real wedding ceremony later, incorporating our dogs, and Buddy the deer as our ring bearer. On April 1, Easter Sunday, we all gathered for the in-home communion. As the layman read the Lord’s Prayer and touched the bread to his dad’s lips, he passed away. I remember him breaking down and me just holding him as tight as I could, crying into his back. I knew how much he dreaded the day, and was worried he’d fall back into the world of drinking heavily (we both stopped in mid-March) and distancing himself from us. But he didn’t, and thanked me for being there and keeping him from the downward spiral he’d always anticipated happening. We gathered my dogs from the house later that day and brought them to the farm to officialize me living there. On April 3rd, he gave me a real ring, because I joked if he was ever going to actually ASK me to marry him, and where my ring is (not even caring if it was a fake $8 Walmart ring like the ones I’d been wearing). It was exactly what I wanted (and similar to my first engagement ring years ago) - a solitaire in white gold. I wondered how the heck he’d gotten it, and found out later during a bad fight he’d had it for years - bought it for the girl he loved before me almost 4 years prior but left her before he gave it to her. He tried to deny that later on, that he said it out of anger, but it made sense. Once May came, things seemed to get a little rougher, but we were still good. He was getting more and more worried about me still working at a trucking company, even though I worked in a back office with the biller and had no interest in speaking to anyone. In June, I lavished him on his birthday, but a few days later he told me he didn’t think he could do it anymore. June 18th he repeated those sentiments, and I ended up leaving work early to go home and figure out what the hell was going on - why he suddenly wanted to split up and was telling me that he’d have my things outside ready to go when I got there. When I got home, we worked it out, but the next day was a repeat again. I called my mom from work and asked her if I could come back to New Jersey, because by that point, it was my only option on living situations. While I was on the phone arguing with him, my boss sent me an email to come see her - I knew what was going to happen. We mutually agreed it wasn’t working out (the job was NOTHING like they’d promised me), and I figured I’d be headed north again anyway. I got home, crying so hard I was throwing up. I loved him even when he gave me reasons not to. We decided since I wouldn’t have to go to work, to see if spending time together was what we needed. We had an absolutely AMAZING week together that first week. More affectionate than ever, he was telling me he still wanted to marry me in July if I still wanted him, we did work on the farm and built pens and tended to our 400 birds, sheep, rabbits, and 2 deer. We went scrapping to earn extra money, while basically living off my savings to feed the animals. I tried to get back in with my old job, per his request as well. And then the following week, it started downhill again. He started to worry about me being at a trucking company yet again, one where I knew everyone and was friends with guys. By this point, I’d already deleted every guy’s number out of my phone, including friends of 15-25 years. I’d stopped talking to female friends because he’d get annoyed if we texted each other and wanted to read the conversations everyday if I had (and I better have told him WHEN they texted me during the day, too). I got off Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. He remained on FB though, and said if I didn’t like it, I could leave. It was one sided on everything in that regard, but I still did it because I wanted him to realize I’d do anything for him and loved him enough to do it. He’d taken the engagement ring back three different times. We had a fight so bad one night that he walked out threatening my dogs, and I followed threatening him if he took another step toward them. We tried to one up cutting each other with our words. He told me he wished I’d died instead of his crazy ex that would never leave us alone. I told him I was sorry I couldn’t be her, or be dumb enough to drive drunk into a tree. He threatened to hit me if I said something like that again, and I egged it on and told him to do it if it made him feel like a man. I will say he never did lay a hand on me, only shoved me out of the way during our last fight and the night it finally ended. Which, crazily enough, was after a great day together. He gave me my Queen band and started wearing his King band again on our left hands. He kept telling me how much he loved me and how we were going to make it work, how his new doctor really seemed to get him and want to help fix his issues with trust, depression, anxiety, etc. When we were at the house things were great, we had dinner with his mom and she was thrilled things were better with us, HE even got up and offered to get me more food, when normally I was the one who’d get up and offer. We watched a movie together, and had great sex. Earlier at the feed store he said he’d hoped I’d find the words to reassure him how I felt and that we were worth fighting for. I said lets go back to Edisto like we did before we got together. I’d had it all planned out on what to say. But he said he didn’t want to go that night. We decided to go to the store and get some fruit to snack on. Saw one of our mutual friends there and it put him into a negative mood, because he always thought she and I had hooked up. Then we saw another mutual friend, and she mentioned someone had been asking about me and she told them to leave me be, I’m happy. I knew then that it was gonna be done. I could feel the change in the air around me. We got back into the truck and he lost it, saying it was over, fuck me for hurting him, etc etc. Said he had changed his mind on going to the beach, but now he didn’t care at all what I had to say, I was a worthless slutty whore (even though me and that person that set him off never hooked up either??), ruined his life, etc etc. I finally gave up trying to get through to him, and went to tell his mom I was sorry for raising my voice, and that I guessed I’d be leaving. She told me she thought I was laughing, and she used to love to hear me laugh. He’d always told me if I made the slightest noise crying, that she could hear me and would threaten to kick us out… I learned from her that wasn’t true at all - she’d only ever heard me crying one time (out of the MANY, especially near the end), and never threatened to throw us out. I talked with her for hours, and found out a lot of things that were bullshit he tried to make me believe. He was livid she and I were talking, and told me I should have been trying to talk to him and fix it...but by this point it was the 4th or 5th time I practically begged to stay together, and I knew it was just delaying the inevitable. He called his ex’s old roommate telling her how relieved he was to be done with me, He’d been talking to other girls and receiving nude pictures from them and former fuck buddies for the last week we were together, and making plans to hook up with them as soon as he could get me gone. I found out later on that he’d actually joined a dating site prior to the day we split up as well. We ended on July 11 … 7 months from the time I said yes to being together. One of his longest relationships, the 3rd girl he ever loved, and the only one to ever be given a ring. Still wasn’t enough. The next morning, July 12, his mom helped me pack because he wouldn’t. I heard him ask her why I wasn’t in there trying to explain why I broke HIS heart … yet I was the one broken down in tears every 5 minutes, I was the one who fought for us constantly. I had written him a 4 page letter, and rolled it up & put the Queen band around it and left it on his center console. I heard him tell someone that he crumpled it up and threw it on the ground.. But knowing him, he was curious enough to want to know what it said. As he came back from getting cigarettes, I stopped him on the steps, told him I’m sorry it ended up like this, and that I loved him. He said yup, pushed past, and went inside and locked himself back in his room. I left my dresser, I left most of the DVDs I had bought that he told me I wasn’t taking, my German Shepherd drawing I’d gotten at the auction a week earlier, my comforter, a box of stuff in the garage … I just didn’t care anymore. And I hope every time he sees any of it, it reminds him of me. On my drive back to New Jersey, not even knowing if I had a home to go to at that point either, I sent him a long heartfelt message … we went back and forth a few times but he told me he no longer loved me and we’d never get back together again. At the first rest area in NJ, I thought of taking the .22 revolved stuffed between the seat and console and just ending the shitty life I was leading then and there. But I couldn’t leave my dogs. If they weren’t with me, I may have done it. I’d overdrafted my bank account 2 days earlier to put diesel in the truck, feeling like I would either be headed back to NJ, or for when I started working again. I had enough fuel to make it to Virginia, after that I was going to wing it. Luckily I had friends to help and I made it to NJ again. After 2 days, he and I stopped going back and forth. He told me he slept with the bartender the day after I left, and that he was moving on and so should I. Also accused me of sleeping with a bunch of people already in NJ. I fell into a deep depression. My anxiety was always through the roof. I didn’t eat for 5 days straight - the last meal I’d had was the one we shared that his mom was so thrilled for us during. I hadn’t drank anything either - I didn’t care if dehydration and lack of eating killed me. I cried all day at anything and everything. I’d sit outside with my dogs with tears running down my face. Then one day in September I went to a diesel event in upstate New York … and on my way home I decided I was done crying. After 8.5 weeks of crying every night, I was done. He’d gotten with another girl 10 days after we ended, and moved in with her immediately. It lasted 18 days. He got with another one, and within 3 weeks made her feel crazy and called her a piece of shit and everything else. He was right back to the normal pattern it seemed. I knew in my heart I’m better off, but some days it still hits me. I miss how we were in the beginning. I miss when he made me feel safe and beautiful and loved and like I found my forever. But I also know now that a narcissist does that to you. His mom told me he’s also bipolar, and it made a lot of sense. As did borderline personality disorder. But I never let any of that deter me, I wanted to be by his side fighting past everything for him. She was right though, my life would have been hard. I cut everyone out for him. He controlled what I did, where I went, etc. Things have finally gotten better. I’m stronger even though I didn’t think I could be. Spending time with Amanda, living our lives the way we want to, has definitely helped as well. I went to other diesel events, I visited Charleston to surprise Dakota for his 18th birthday, and blew Cindy’s mind because I told her I wasn’t gonna be able to make it. I made new friends down there, and have two jobs up here to work on moving back eventually. My dogs are boarding in SC with someone who spoils them as much as I do until I can afford to be back there with them. The next entry will be about the other thing that’s been on my mind even more so than usual lately. And less depressing, I hope… 10:49 a.m. - 2018-11-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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