camarogrl86's Diaryland Diary

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In The End.

Strangely enough, I accidentally found out on Thursday that he unblocked me on Facebook again. We aren't friends anymore, he'd unfriended me before blocking, but I can see posts and profile pictures and the photos of us are tagged with both our names again. I had been going through old messages on messenger and noticed there was a picture next to his name again - when I opened the last messages, it was like a gut punch ... the little red hearts floated up from the bottom, one of the last things we'd said on there (many months earlier) were him saying "love you always", and on a later date, me sending a laughing hyena gif since he always said I laughed like the ones in Lion King.

He's dating an ex he'd been with a couple years ago. I guess she didn't learn the first go-round. Someone pointed out how he treats her like gold ... sure, we all got that in the beginning. He stated she was his "everything". So was I.

I was actually ok with it all. . I saw some posts that made me roll my eyes - like one that said he didn't want the person who saw the good in him, but the person who saw the bad and still wanted to stay. That was me. 100% me. Later that night, I was scrolling through my feed and a video of "In the End" by Linkin Park being sung by the audience for Chester Bennington just hit me. The lyrics spoke so true to what I was feeling inside, relating to situations I have been through myself - where I tried so hard & got so far, but in the end it didn't even matter. The putting my trust in him, etc. I cried so hard I gave myself a headache in under 10 minutes, because it started a string of songs that included "Unlove You" by Jennifer Nettles, and "Every Little Thing" by Carly Pearce. Both of those songs can reduce me to a puddle of tears when I'm feeling hurt again. And I must like the feel of those emotional razorblades slicing me apart, because I intentionally sought out the additional pain once the tears started.

I know in my heart it's not worth it. I've done so much better in recent times. But like I said before, I fear that tiny piece of me will always love the person he portrayed when things were good between us, and I'll never forget the pure happiness I was experiencing. Sometimes I wish something would happen to me, just to see if he'd react in any way, like he did when he'd heard of a couple ex's passing away over our time together.

Not only have I built a more reinforced wall, with additional concrete and rebar, I've parked my truck in front of it to drive over anyone who tries to invade it. But at the same time, there's one person who holds a key to the only door in this wall - and that's a fucked up situation in itself. As is the story of my life...

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To remind myself of a time when
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end
You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

11:46 a.m. - 2018-11-26

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