camarogrl86's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Letter I'll Never Send Dear B, You broke me in ways I never thought someone could be broken. You destroyed my heart, my soul, my ability to trust. So many promises of forever, of us always making it, and then you gave up. You will say that I gave up, but what kind of relationship is it where every time we'd fight, I'd have to beg for you? The toxic kind. I knew we were fighting a losing battle, as much as it shattered my heart. I couldn't beg for you to keep loving me anymore, and you were so quick to state the next day that you didn't love me anymore already. I still think about you everyday. I cried over you every day and night for 8.5 weeks after you ended what was the happiest (and some of the hardest times of my life). Every now and then, I will have a moment where I break down and cry again; a certain song, or picture - remembering that man I fell so quickly and hopelessly in love with after thinking I'd never love again. You were my supposed to be my forever. A piece of my heart will always love the person you were when we first fell in love. You weren't the same person at the end though. I believe the real you finally came through again and you stopped trying to be that perfect, loving person you'd been. It scares the hell out of me knowing that you're forever etched on that piece of my heart. Our matching tattoos are forever etched on the skin of our wrists. I hope you think of me every time you see yours, and remember how much I only wanted to love and support you and give you every ounce of my being ... and it wasn't enough. I know I'm better off now. I'm not being used, manipulated, or made to think I'm a piece of shit. But I still miss the beginning of us, when you slipped your hand into mine on the cold December nights around the bonfire before you had the courage to kiss me, or to ask me out. Laying on the dunes at the beach smoking cigarettes under a full moon, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time. The nights out where we couldn't keep our affection to ourselves. Starry skies and snuggles in the bed of my truck, watching meteor showers in the field together. Song battles on who could dedicate the sweetest song to the other, and breaking down into happy tears when I heard "Cross My Heart" by George Strait. You won the song battle. I believed everything you said to me, every promise. You taught me many lessons and I thank you for those - they've made me a stronger person, that finally realizes I'm worth much more than what I was dealt with you. I'm definitely more guarded, and while you have ruined so much, it's just given me a chance to rise again like a phoenix from the ashes and be even better. I will always love you, B. Even though you're no longer deserving of any of it. I promised you I would, and even if I wanted to stop, what we had when it was good was the some of the best times of my life. I wouldn't take you back if the opportunity arose because I know the end result - a pattern in your past I ignored and thought I'd be different - and maybe one day I'll forgive you for what you put me through. Until then, this is just another thing I'll never send you. -T 10:12 a.m. - 2018-11-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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