camarogrl86's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Novel to Say 3 Words I wrote this at the beginning of the month (2/4), because I needed to release all the words I wanted to say. But I know I have to tell you in person, I have to speak them. My anxiety would kill me if I sent it through text or email or wrote it in a letter ... I need to see your face, gauge your reaction, painfully put you on the spot. I'm sorry in advance for having to do that. Perhaps not spending time together right now is the only thing saving you from this... I just wish I knew what your reaction would be ahead of time. Honestly, I wasn't going to say any of this until later on. Until right before I left NJ again, and after we effectively fucked 16 years of "want" out of each other (which, don't make this change that - I'd rather have been able to than not). But then someone reminded me we don't always have tomorrow... and what good does waiting do? I mean after 25 years, fuck it. I'm pretty confident in the fact that our friendship has been forged strongly enough over these years that what I'm about to say can't affect it negatively, and you won't run for the hills. I am sorry in advance for doing this to you though. You're a smart guy. You're actually legitimately the smartest person I know. Seeing some of the stuff you know and learn about for fun, I feel like I have a 3rd grade education in comparison. I know you're not blind, and I know you can read between the lines as if something is clearly written there ... so you know what I feel runs way deeper than just friends - and that it has for years. Maybe sometimes though, it takes confirmation to know for sure? I mean, I'm like that - I can be 99% positive of something, but if that person doesn't straight out tell me, I will overthink and question it until I'm exhausted and convince myself otherwise. So - this is my confirmation to you. I've known since the first day we mentioned making "dreams come true" that it was going to fuck with me if we ever did. And I haven't cared, because I'm willing to take that mental and emotional fucking right along with the real thing, because of how much I've wanted YOU for the majority of my life. And however much or little I can have is worth it. This past Saturday, I loved every second of the day. I loved pretending in my mind in every place we went that I was the one who put that ring on your finger. That I was the one encouraging $5 bullets, completely supporting $5,000 in lockers and a full Carli suspension, or had a bird at home in the coop to heal. I had to mentally sit on my hands to keep them off in each store. I can still feel the intensity from you just laying your hand on my leg - it sent the most electrifying feelings straight through me. No single touch has ever made me feel the way that did. Just like I've never had anyone react to mine in the way that you did. 25 years of wanting to kiss you turned into something better than I ever imagined. I want to be with someone I can sit and people watch with and make up entire conversations about Jerry getting the fuck out of the van already. Someone who's arms I want to fall into when they get home from a long day while they tell me about it all. Someone who hates people and their stupid bullshit as much as I do. Someone that enjoys having a nice truck too, wants to make fun of the diesel ricers with their stretched tires on Forces under half a Rough Country fag sagged suspension - and can jab at me for my own grain of rice with tow mirrors out on the daily. I want a best friend I can laugh with, cry with, and tell anything to. A partner in this rough fucking ride we call life - jointly achieving everything we'd ever want to have or do. A lover that lights my body and soul on fire. And you've pretty much fit the bill on everything, every time. Well, the last part we just figured out, but now every box has been checked. I know the complications that would arise in this, especially for you. I'd never ask you to change your life for me. I'm a "free spirit" at the moment. I'm not tied down to anyone or anything. I have a pending move back south up in the air. But I would stay, and it'd be happily. From the day I moved back up here, I told C "there is one thing that could make me stay in NJ". She knew right away... She's listened to me for 16 years... I don't know the extent of you and K. I don't know how it began, how it was, or many details other than what you told me the other day on how it is. I know every time we speak of it, as rare as it may be, I always get a stab of jealousy wishing it were me instead. Or comparing how I'd do something differently, if only I'd been so lucky. Consider me a horrible person for being entirely okay with putting myself in your lap knowing you're not mine... but I would do it every day and still have no regret. I sometimes wonder if never having left NJ would have made a difference. I wonder if life has put me through the fuckery it has just to bring me back here for a reason. I wonder why the universe is such a cuntbag with it's timing. In all those years in SC, you were still on my mind. As bad as it may be, even when I was in relationships, I knew it was like I was settling for something else. And it may be that way for the rest of my life - I don't know. I'd probably drive you insane. You wanna read about something new on the laptop? Guess what buddy - get comfortable because I'm going to be right there on you, reading it too. Teach me about things I'd never dream of learning on my own. I'm an affectionate little bitch, I'll miss you when you're not around, I'll be close to you when you are. I'm more than just words when it comes to that. I want to shoot guns and work on trucks and spend time with animals. But at the same time, I'd still respect the "boys days at the range", etc ... I'd probably just pounce on you when you got back. I'm not trying to make you question your life. I think from what you said the other day, you do that from time to time already. I just can't sit here and stay silent and go on like all these feelings aren't right below the surface. It's been that way for so many years. It got cut short while I was typing it that day, and I still have so many words jumbled inside my head that I could go on for hours. But I can sum the entire thing up in 3 words - I love you. 10:34 a.m. - 2019-02-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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